Actual quote from a co-worker: "I saw the most amazing thing yesterday, speaking of pictures of wangs".

An actual email sent to me by my boss:

Must...kill...crew....

Must...resist...

Have...child...

Must...not...go...to...prison...

Must...watch...child....grow...

Urge...to...kill...fading....

Actual quote from a co-worker: "Your face is so creepy".

Actual quote from a co-worker: "I was pretty much the Peter Frampton of my high school glee club."

Actual quote from a co-worker: "I'd rather be shot by a gun with a silencer because loud noises scare me."

Actual conversation between two co-workers:

Co-worker 1: Everyone thinks they’re important

Co-worker 2: Well, I have an update for them.  They get the finger. 

Actual quote from a co-worker (not directed at me btw): “Eww.  How come everything you bring in here you put by your testicles?” 

Actual "conversation" with a co-worker:

Co-worker: I have a real fondness for the number 8.

Me: *laughs*

Co-worker: I do! 8 and 18. MMMMMMM MMMM MM those are some good numbers.

Actual quote from a co-worker: "California is America's wobbly tree house".

Actual quote from a co-worker: “John Denver looks like an Asian woman sometimes”.     

This is part of an actual conversation that I overheard at work. My co-worker was on the phone with a vendor:

Co-worker: Is there any way to expedite that process?

*pause*

Co-worker: Is there any way to expedite that process?

*longer pause*

Co-worker: Is there any way to make it go faster?

Actual quote from a co-worker: "You want payroll. It's the last office on the right. If you turn left first."

Actual quote from a co-worker: "Just say it's a piece of NASA that fell off the space shuttle. They'll take care of it".

Actual quote from a co-worker: "If you overcook a pop-tart it defeats its own purpose."

Actual quote from a co-worker, "Were you guys talking about Stephen? You know his face? Sometimes I just want to punch it".